Self harm

It is said that 1 in 10 young people have self harmed in the past or will go on to do so in the future.

With such a high number of people being affected by this issue, it begs the question: why is self harm still surrounded by a multitude of misconceptions and an overwhelming stigma?

I think that comes down to two main reasons...

1. People are not being sufficiently educated about self harm
2. The issue is not being openly discussed about nearly as much as it should be

The thing is, even people who have self harmed in the past have difficulty understanding the issue. It is extremely complex. There is not one, singular reason that people turn to self harm in their times of need. The reasons why people self-harm is endless. Some do it when they're angry or frustrated, others do it because they'd rather feel pain than nothing at all. Some do it when they feel scared, or confused, or alone, or just plain sad. 
The truth is, self harm is a coping technique. A destructive one it may be, but it helps people to cope with feelings that they struggle to understand, because it allows them to turn their emotional pain into physical pain. A pain that has an obvious reason for existing. 

If you cut yourself, then you know why you're hurting. You know that it will heal. You are in control. 

If you're sitting in a room, and suddenly this crushing feeling hits you like a freight train, then you don't know where it's coming from. You don't know when you will stop feeling hurt. You don't even know if you will stop feeling hurt. You have no control.
And that is a thought so difficult to process in some minds, that they turn to self-harm in an attempt to make it stop.

Addiction and habit can be deemed as good enough reasons for people to self-harm again and again. The act of self-injury releases endorphins, which help calm down the person in question and distract them from the issue at hand... whatever is causing them to feel like this.

When people say 'self-harm', it is common for others to immediately picture cutting in their minds. However, cutting is only one of the infinite ways that people hurt themselves. Other popular methods of self-harm include scratching, biting, hitting, burning and swallowing poisonous substances. There are also less obvious forms of self-harm, such as reckless driving, substance abuse or having unsafe sex. Really, any action in which you are willingly putting yourself in danger or attempting to hurt yourself can be classified as self-harm.

The issue can affect anyone, at any time in their lives. Be they male or female, straight or gay, white or black, rich or poor, popular or unpopular, it truly doesn't matter. Self-harm doesn't judge based on appearance or experience, and neither should we. 

Because right now, society does judge self-harmers. Often cruelly. Sufferers are subject to tasteless jokes and a landslide of abuse. Sometimes they are ostracised, and left to deal with their problems all on their own. And for this reason, among many others, most who experience the issue first-hand choose to keep their troubles to themselves.

No person should feel as though they need to tackle this alone.

I'm here to tell you that recovery is possible. It may not be easy, but I can assure you, it is absolutely worth it.

It takes a lot of hard-work and determination to stop self-harming. As previously stated, it's a coping technique, and therefore it becomes deeply rooted within your mind. At the end of a long and stressful day, it becomes all too appealing to hurt yourself to relieve all of the pressure that has been building up. But sometimes, something speaks out from within us, pleading with us in a gentle whisper not to do this to ourselves. And sometimes, it is these whispers that speak loudest to us.

If you are seriously considering giving up self-harming, then I recommend taking a look at this post. It gives you a lot of reasons why people choose to harm themselves. Choose the one that best describes why you do it, and it will offer you several ideas for what to replace it with. You might not find the one that works for you over night. It might take a few weeks to get it right, but please, don't give up hope. You can and will find the replacement coping technique that works for you.

Also, I suggest telling someone about your experiences with self-harm. Choose someone that you trust, and tell them about your struggles. You can do this in writing if you think telling them face to face will be too difficult. As said previously, it takes a lot of will-power to stop, so it helps if you have a good support system in place to talk to you if you are considering relapsing.

Even if you try your hardest, but still find yourself relapsing, then please do not feel discouraged. I find that the quote that Hayley recently reblogged on tumblr ("It's okay, you can start over") is perfect for this situation. If you relapse, then do not be afraid to start over again. It can take a number of tries before you can finally kick the habit for good. The rewards of finally doing this is worth all of the pain and the struggle of quitting however.
Believe me.

No matter how addicted you are to the pain, no matter how weak you feel right now, know that you have the strength and the ability to get out of this situation that you are in. 

Your scars may tell your stories, but it is you that holds the pen. Choose to put an end to this chapter of your life, because I assure you, what's on the next page will be so much better.

Bullying

There was a time, a long time ago, when the worst that a bully could do was physically hurt you.

Now? Bullies don't need to be in the same room as you to make you feel completely worthless. In fact, they don't even need to be on the same continent as you. From behind the veil of a laptop screen, anonymous strangers can pick up on a person's deepest insecurities and manipulate them for their own sick amusement. Their negativity can pollute the minds of individuals, and even cause them to wonder whether life is worth living.

Bullying is an umbrella term for a large number of different types of abuse:

• Phsyical - The most easy to spot type of bullying. Bullies purposely cause the victim pain by using various violent techniques, such as pinching, kicking, punching and damaging the victim's personal property
• Verbal - This type of bullying can prove to be one of the most long lasting. Name-calling, racist/homophobic remarks, insults, threats and teasing can all be classed as examples of verbal bullying.
• Cyber - The ever-increasing popularity of social networking sites means that, sadly, this type of bullying is becoming all too common. Cyberbullying could be as easy to spot as having nasty messages sent to you, or as complex as having a cruel webpage put up about you. Cyberbullying can take place either publicly or privately.
• Covert - This is the most difficult type of bullying to recognise, as it is done behind the victim's back. Bullies attempt to humiliate their victims by cruelly mimicking them, encouraging others to exclude them, spreading nasty rumours about them and trying to damage the victim's reputation.

Many victims of bullying develop mental disorders such as depression or an anxiety disorder because of the abuse they face in their day to day lives. Their education can suffer too, as those who are bullied are more likely to skip school so they can avoid the torture they face at the hands of their bullies. Loss of appetite, difficulty concentrating and even suicidal thoughts are also potential effects of bullying.  

I will genuinely never understand why people feel the need to make others feel terrible about themselves. I think that it has always been one of humanity's biggest flaws, the need to make others feel bad in order to feel better about themselves. The problem is, the anonymity of online sites means that anyone can get their 'fix' without having to see the consequences of their words or actions. They can't see the damage they are doing to these young lives, and therefore, idiotically believe that there is no damage to be done. Which is, obviously, completely false.

In reality, bullies are typically members of the popular crowd, whose friends would back them up if their victim chose to fight back. Online, they are usually  (but not always) people who have experienced some form of pain in the past, or don't feel properly in control of their own lives, and therefore try to dominate the lives of others to accommodate for this lack of control. They'll pick on those that don't fit in. They'll further exclude those who didn't have many friends to begin with. They'll taunt those that don't adhere to the norms of society. Basically... the most amazing people that you're likely to meet are the most susceptible to being bullied. 

It is said that humans have a number of emotional needs that need be met to live a happy life:

• They need to feel safe and secure
• They need to feel as though they fit in with a particular group or community
• They need to have a sense of control over their own lives
• They need to be given privacy and some time to reflect on past events
• They need to give and receive quality attention from others
• They need to feel as though they have a purpose, or role, in life
• They also need to have goals for the future, as well as feel suitable challenged at all times

Bullying robs a person of many of these needs. The bully is essentially taking the victim's right to happiness away from them, in order to feel more powerful. They have no right to do this.

Their words have become etched on our minds and our hearts, and we allow something within us to retrace their marks. To further deepen fresh cuts. To open up old wounds. We replay the situations in our mind time and time again, and worst of all, we convince ourselves that what they told us was true. 

Hate can do terrible things to us. It turns those who are full of life into shells of the creatures they once were, and it causes people to remove their hearts from their sleeves and tuck it away, deep within the confines of their chest. Why would anyone want to spread that negative energy? Why would anyone want to make another person feel that way?

I really don't have the answer to those questions.

All I know, is that in the UK, 46% of young people have reported to have been bullied at some point in their lives. I know that the figure rises to 55% when only taking LGBT teens into account. I know that 1 in 5 people aged between 10 to 19 have been a victim to cyber bullying, and that approximately 44% of suicides committed by young people in the UK were said to occur as a direct result of bullying. People as young as 9 are being bullied to the point that they don't see any way out other that death. 

It's heartbreaking, but that's the harsh reality of the situation at hand.

Bullying isn't victimless. Bullies may protest that everything said or done was all in "jest", that it was all "just a joke", but at the end of it all, it's not them that have to go home and relive the day's events over and over again in their head. The majority don't know just how much of an effect their words and actions have on their victims lives until it is too late. What's a joke to one person may be plain hurtful to the next. 

Some types of bullying aren't just hurtful however, they are actually illegal. In the UK, violence, theft, hate crimes and repeated harassment (i.e. intimidating emails, name-calling etc) are all against the law, and you have the right to press charges on the bully if they are abusing you in any of these ways. If you are experiencing a problem with cyberbullying, then make sure to keep a record of all of the messages that you've received from the bully. This record should include the date and time that the message was received, in addition to the message itself. 

So, to anyone who is being bullied right now... 

Don't be frightened to get the help that you need to stop this bullying from taking place. If you confide in one person and things don't improve, don't lose heart. There will be someone who can and will help you. Whether it's a teacher or a parent, a friend or a colleague... there will always be someone there to help you pick yourself up when you feel as though the rug has just been pulled out from underneath your feet. You've just got to find the right person and allow for them to help you.

Don't give up hope.
Don't let their words change you. 
Who made their opinion of the world the one we all need to adhere to anyway?

Have faith that things can and do get better and remember that there's nothing wrong with asking for help.

Domestic abuse

Anyone can be a victim of domestic abuse. It doesn't matter if you're male or female, black or white, young or old, gay or straight... abuse is not sexist, racist, ageist or homophobic. It does not discriminate in any way, shape or form, and therefore, it can affect anyone, at any given time. 

It's a very serious issue, and it most definitely isn't talked about openly enough.

The general belief is that domestic abuse is when a male acts in a physically violent way towards his female partner. In some cases, this may be true, but this only accounts for a fraction of domestic abuse cases that occur. 

This begs the question, what is domestic abuse?

Domestic abuse is what happens when one person in an intimate relationship attempts to manipulate, dominate or control his or her partner. They will use techniques such as fear, guilt, shame and intimidation in order to do this.

The four main types of domestic abuse are:

• Physical abuse - also known as domestic violence. This is where a man or woman will inflict pain on their partner in any of a number of different ways. Kicking, hitting, slapping, pinching, burning and strangulation are only a few of the many examples of domestic violence.
• Emotional/psychological abuse - Victims often refer to this type of abuse having more of a lasting affect on them than physical violence. Emotional/psychological abuse can be either verbal or non-verbal. The abuser aims to chip away at the victim's confidence and isolate them from the rest of their friends and family, in order to make them reliant on the relationship and therefore less likely to leave. Controlling behaviour, yelling, name calling, humiliating, isolating and threatening are all examples of emotional/psychological abuse
• Sexual abuse - it's a shockingly common belief that abusive sexual acts cannot take place in a relationship. In reality, it is suggested that 45% of all rape is committed by current partners. Any unwanted, unsafe or degrading sexual acts are considered to be acts of sexual abuse.
• Financial abuse - this type of abuse limits the victim's ability to get help. The abuser's tactics may include withholding money or credit cards, preventing them from accessing basic necessities or even sabotaging the victim's job.

These are the most common types of domestic abuse, but there are several other types of domestic abuse that exist, for example: 

• Honour based violence  - this is when men or women bring 'shame' upon their family by doing things such as seeking divorce, maintaining inter-faith relationships or being attracted to members of the same sex. The victims are mainly women, but men can be victims too. There are often more than one abuser in this type of situation, considering that the family as a whole seek to maintain their honour 
• Forced marriage - A forced marriage is a marriage that is carried out without the fully informed consent of both parties. These type of marriages usually result in emotional abuse, rape, violence and, in more extreme cases, even murder
• Teen dating abuse - It appears to be growing increasingly common for young people to wind up in abusive relationships, with 1 in 5 young girls reporting to have been assaulted by their boyfriends, and approximately 40% of young people are suspected to be subjected to have dealt with some sort of abuse by the time they leave their teenage years.

It is estimated that 1 in 4 women experience some sort of domestic violence at some point in their lives. It's hard to predict how many people are in abusive relationships, because certain victims are not even aware that they are being abused. 

If your partner have ever prevented you from seeing your friends or family, are constantly checking up on you, continually try to humiliate you in front of others, force you to do things that you don't want to do, keep money from you so you can't buy things that you need or you find yourself living in fear of your significant other, then you are likely in an abusive relationship.

Personally speaking, I would recommend that you get yourself out of that relationship as soon as possible, regardless of whether or not you consider yourself to be in physical danger or not. You may love them and they may swear that they will change, but the tragic fact is, many abusers cannot change through sheer will alone. It takes a lot of time in therapy and a strong determination to change in order to alter these abusive thought patterns, and sadly, some abusers will never be able to make that change. Don't subject yourself to that abuse out of a sense of duty to your partner, or because you feel trapped in your current situation. There are things that you can do, and people that are willing to help.

If you are in an abusive relationship, consider doing the following: 

• Packing a suitcase filled with essentials including money, passports, important paper work and forms of identification, keys for your house and a change of clothes. Keep this suitcase either hidden in your house or, preferably, at one of your friend or relative's house. Try to avoid keeping this at a mutual friend's house if you can
• Make sure to have your mobile on you at all times, and ensure that it is topped up with credit too. Save useful numbers such as your doctor, lawyer and local/preferred crisis centre under your friends' names, so not to cause suspicion if your partner checks your phone
• Be aware of 'the cheap shot'. If you are in an argument with your partner, don't drop your guard for a second. Even something as simple as you checking your watch for the time could give them the opportunity to attack
• Rehearse an escape plan, in case you find yourself in an emergency. Try to go to a room on a lower level of the house, so you can climb out the window if necessary, or a room with a telephone in it and a lock on the door. Avoid rooms with no telephones in it unless you have your mobile on you, as you could then become trapped in this room.
• Keep a diary of the abuse. This could be a record of abusive texts or emails that they have sent you, a record of hurtful conversations or events that have taken place or even photographs of physical abuse. This will provide some evidence if you ever need to testify against your partner
• If your partner checks up on your online habits and phone records, then consider using a computer in a local library or buying a cheap phone that you can top up when needed and hiding it somewhere where your partner won't find it. This will give you the opportunity to look up advice or phone   helplines without having to worry about how he/she will react if they find out what you've been doing.

If you know someone that you suspect is in an abusive relationship, then please take a look at this page. It offers you some advice on what to do and say in response to their relationship.

Above all else, remember that this is not your fault and that you can move past this period of your life. You deserve to be in a relationship where you do not have to live in fear of your partner. You have the right to pursue any dreams that you have, or to be friends with whoever your heart desires. If your partner doesn't agree with this, then something is very wrong indeed.

I'll leave you with this quote from Hayley Williams.

"I don't care if the world or anyone in it tries to drag me down. Because I know that in the end, they will be the ones left tired from the struggle to hold me back."

You have the power to overcome this, and the necessary support to ensure that you do not have to do it alone.

Hearts can heal video

Hey everyone, 

After much deliberation over whether or not I should create a video to tie in with this project, I've finally decided to make one.

But if it is to be a success, then I will need your help.

So, what's the plan?

Basically, I want you to send a photo of you holding up a piece of paper to heartscanheal@live.co.uk. On this piece of paper, can be one of three things:

1. A message for anyone suffering from one of the six issues that the hearts can heal project will be focusing on (suicide, mental health disorders, eating disorders, domestic abuse, bullying or self-harm). The message can be short or long. It could be focused on your own experiences, or not. So long as you use this as your chance to convey hope for the future to the people who may be going through a rough time in the present.
2. If you can't think of a message, then you could simply write out "Hearts can heal" or "Just let the pain remind you hearts can heal" on your piece of paper. 
3. Failing this, you could draw the hearts can heal symbol (see below) on your  paper and send in a photo of you holding up that instead

The crossed heart - the hearts can heal symbol

By taking part in this project, it's a sign of your support for those who are going through a particularly difficult time in their lives right now.

It may not be much, but to someone who feels utterly alone, it might just be enough to convince them that there are people out there who care. It might not be ground-breaking, but one thing that I have learned in this life is that you should never underestimate the effect that an army of whispers can have on this world.

Below is an example of the photos that I'm looking for (this was taken with my iPod so I could quickly write this blog. I'll upload another photo later, one in which the sign isn't over-exposed and the writing is easier to read)

The deadline for the project is Saturday 22nd June. Please send in your photos as soon as possible. 

Please help spread the word about the project, and take part if you can. I really would appreciate your help.

If you have any questions about the video, feel free to tweet me at @parascots, email me at heartscanheal@live.co.uk or simply leave a comment below.

Thank you, and take care.

Lauren

Information about the project

I wrote a short post a couple of months ago detailing what I wanted to achieve with this project, but I was quite vague with the details, so I thought that I'd update you on it.

Essentially, the hearts can heal project will be one week long and it will explore several different topics in a myth and stereotype free manner.

The topics that will be discussed are:

• Monday 17th June - Domestic abuse
• Tuesday 18th June - Bullying
• Wednesday 19th June - Self harm
• Thursday 20th June - Eating disorders
• Friday 21st June - Mental disorders
• Saturday 22nd June - Suicide

For the entirety of the week, those taking part in the project will draw patched hearts on their hands (or wear patched hearts on their clothing, if you're feeling particularly creative) to show their respect and support for those battling the issues being discussed. The symbol of the hearts can heal project looks like the one Hayley drew on her hand during the production of 'Paramore', which you can see below:

If anyone asks what the heart is for, then tell them either that it is in support of the people suffering with whatever issue that day is dedicated to, or in support of the people suffering with the issue that you feel most passionate about. The whole point of this project is to raise awareness of the issues at hand, and present them in a way that both tells you the facts of the issue, and gives you the hope that you can and will be able to overcome it.

Sunday 23rd will be the last day of the project, and it will give people the chance to tell their personal experiences with any of the issues mentioned. You don't need to leave your name attached to your story, if you would prefer to send it in anonymously. This is your chance to show the world that you might have experienced hard times in the past, but you are now a stronger person for facing that and that they can be too.

You can send your stories to heartscanheal@live.co.uk.  

Keep an eye on the #HeartsCanHeal hashtag on twitter for further updates and news.

If you have any suggestions or questions, feel free to ask them below, or tweet @parascots and I'd be happy to answer them there too.

Thank you

Help is only a few clicks away

We all go through rough patches in our lives. I think that they key thing to remember during these times is that we don't need to suffer through them alone. There are so many people who are both able and willing to help us deal with whatever issues we may be experiencing at the present moment, all we have to do is determine who these people are and have the courage to allow them to help us.

It could be anyone: a friend, a family member, a teacher, a boss, a therapist or even a friendly stranger. The truth is, there is always someone willing to listen.

There are also a great number of websites and helplines specifically dedicated to helping you get out of particular situations that you find yourself in, whether that's suicidal thoughts, eating disorders, mental health issues or something else entirely, I assure you, help is only a few clicks away.

*NOTE: The below numbers and websites are UK based. I am working on a list of international numbers and websites dedicated to the below issues. If you know of any based in countries other than the UK, please, leave a comment at the bottom of the page*

People who can help with suicidal thoughts:

Samaritans - 08457 90 90 90 (if you don't feel comfortable with phoning them, you can also email them at jo@samaritans.org)

Papyrus - 0800 068 41 41 (if you don't feel comfortable with phoning them, you can also email them at pat@papyrus-uk.org)

Life think - 0141 552 4434 (if you don't feel comfortable with phoning them, you can also email them at info@lifelink.org.uk)

Get connected - 0808 808 4994 (if you don't feel comfortable with phoning them, they also offer email and web chat services on their website)

Childline - 0800 1111

Hope for today

People who can help with mental health issues:

Breathing space - 0800 83 85 87

Rethink mental illness - 0300 5000 927

Samaritans - 08457 90 90 90 (if you don't feel comfortable with phoning them, you can also email them at jo@samaritans.org)

Sane - 0845 767 8000 (if you don't feel comfortable with phoning them, you can also email them at sanemail@org.uk)

Life think - 0141 552 4434 (if you don't feel comfortable with phoning them, you can also email them at info@lifelink.org.uk)


Get connected - 0808 808 4994 (if you don't feel comfortable with phoning them, they also offer email and web chat services on their website)

Young Minds - 0808 802 5544

Childline - 0800 1111

Anxiety UK - 08444 775 774

Scottish association for mental health

Ed space

OCD UK

Depression alliance

Bipolar UK

Mind

Schizophrenia world

Seasonal affective disorder association

People who can help with eating disorders:

Childline - 0800 1111


Get connected - 0808 808 4994 (if you don't feel comfortable with phoning them, they also offer email and web chat services on their website)

Beat - 0845 634 1414 (they also have a live chat feature on their website)

Anorexia and bulimia care - 03000 11 12 13 

Young Minds - 0808 802 5544

People who can help with self harm:

Recover your life - they have a live help feature on their website, but it's not online 24 hours a day


Get connected - 0808 808 4994 (if you don't feel comfortable with phoning them, they also offer email and web chat services on their website)

Childline - 0800 1111

Youth net - 020 7250 5700 

Life think - 0141 552 4434 (if you don't feel comfortable with phoning them, you can also email them at info@lifelink.org.uk)

Life signs

People who can help with bullying:

Childline - 0800 1111


Get connected - 0808 808 4994 (if you don't feel comfortable with phoning them, they also offer email and web chat services on their website)

Kidscape - 08451 205 204

Respect me

Beat bullying 

Bullying UK

People who can help with rape and sexual abuse:

Childline - 0800 1111


Get connected - 0808 808 4994 (if you don't feel comfortable with phoning them, they also offer email and web chat services on their website)

Survivors UK - 0845 122 1201

Rape crisis - 0808 802 9999

Rape and sexual abuse counselling - 01962 871 717 or 01962 871 718

Family matters - 01474 537 392

People who can help with domestic violence: 

Childline - 0800 1111


Get connected - 0808 808 4994 (if you don't feel comfortable with phoning them, they also offer email and web chat services on their website)

Broken rainbow - 0300 999 5428 (LGBT) (if you don't feel comfortable with phoning them, you can also email them at help@brokenrainbow.org.uk)

Women's aid - 0808 2000 247 (if you don't feel comfortable with phoning them, you can also email them at helpline@womensaid.org.uk)

Everyman project - 0207 2638884

Karma Nirvana - 08005999247

Refuge - 0808 2000 247

Mankind

The hide out

Domestic abuse

People who can help with child abuse:

Childline - 0800 1111


Get connected - 0808 808 4994 (if you don't feel comfortable with phoning them, they also offer email and web chat services on their website)

National society for the prevention of cruelty to children

Other useful charities

C-R-Y (cardiac risk in the young)

Hearts can heal project

There's only so much heartache that you can watch others go through before you feel compelled to act.

For the past two years, I have heard some truly heartbreaking stories from people all over the world. From abuse to mental illness, suicide to eating disorders, these people have been put through some of the most horrible experiences that there are to go through. They come from different countries and they have all gone through unique experiences, yet, the one thing that each of them share is the strength that they have gained after going through the pain of earlier situations.

And that is what this project is about.
Reminding ourselves that our pain does not define us, it does not control us, and it certainly does not dictate the person that we will become.

The hearts can heal project aims to educate people about serious issues, raise awareness of said issues and ensure those who are suffering from them that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and that there are always people who would happily help to guide them through the present darkness in order for them to reach said light. Because the truth is, we can handle anything that life throws at us, but we can't handle it alone, and more importantly, we don't have to.

I'll be writing a series of posts about issues such as eating disorders, self-harm and mental disorders for the project, and I will post one daily for seven days. I'll give you guys an update nearer the time to let you know which week this is happening on, and which issue each day is dedicated to. If you've been affected by any of the issues, you feel strongly about them or just want to share a message with those struggling with it, then I'd be happy for you to write something to be included in the project. If I can, I'll try to come up with a way that you can do so anonymously, if you so choose.

This will be the symbol of 

the hearts can heal project 

Each day of the week, draw this heart on your wrist or on your hand (or do something more creative with it, if you feel up to that) to show your support for those dealing with the issues mentioned, and to remind yourself that whatever pain that you might be experiencing WILL subside eventually, and that you will be a stronger person for having experienced it. And if someone happens to ask you what it's for? Just tell them that it's for a symbol of support for those struggling with whichever hearts can heal issue that you feel most strongly about.

This is just a rough outline of what I envision the project to be like, really.
I'm totally up for further suggestions. I'd love to hear your ideas!